He started the meeting with a prayer that made it clear I was supposed to forgive any wrongdoing which I am, but forcing forgiveness someone else to forgive…is that really forgiveness?”

It was made clear that the other pastor would not attend the meeting, and the pastor I met with apologized on his behalf (sort of). My daughter did say, “That’s not really your responsibility to take responsibility for someone else.” Bottom line, I am “allowed to attend.” I find the whole situation repulsive, not of Christ. If leadership uses lies and manipulation – much less won’t follow any of the Biblical methods of conflict resolution – It seems their actions don’t match the verse-by-verse teaching they espouse.

Suppose a pastor is misled by a congregant’s manipulation and lies (since Calvary Chapels don’t have memberships) and asks someone not to attend based on those lies. What responsibility should the lying congregant bear once it’s confirmed they were not truthful? If an executive pastor gatekeeps information from a pastor and only gives his narrative, what’s the recourse? Shouldn’t discernment be a gift somewhere in leadership? Should there be heartfelt apologies all around, or should the hope just be that the offended party goes away quietly?

Now an overseer must be blameless and beyond reproach, the husband of one wife, self-controlled, sensible, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, ³ not addicted to wine, not ^[a]a bully nor quick-tempered and hot-headed, but gentle and considerate, free from the love of money [not greedy for wealth and its inherent power—financially ethical]. ⁴ He must manage his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity [keeping them respectful and well-behaved] ⁵ (for if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?).

Things I’m pondering

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²⁷ Now you [collectively] are Christ’s body, and individually [you are] members of it [each with his own special purpose and function]. ²⁸ So God has appointed and placed in the church [for His own use]: first apostles [chosen by Christ], second prophets [those who foretell the future, those who speak a new message from God to the people], third teachers, then those who work miracles, then those with the gifts of healings, the helpers, the administrators, and speakers in various kinds of [unknown] tongues. ²⁹ Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Are all workers of miracles? ³⁰ Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? ³¹ But earnestly desire and strive for the greater gifts [if acquiring them is going to be your goal]. And yet I will show you a still more excellent way [one of the choicest graces and the highest of them all: unselfish love].

Paul also talks about counseling: “For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory” (1 Thessalonians 2:11-12).

The biblical counseling method utilizes the scripture as the source of magnifying glass that walks along as a guide on the side by focusing the individual pointing to Christ as the source of hope of healing.

Leadership and Counselors: What safe place do you offer? God? Or living in their painful past?

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There have been no disruptions. I’ve looked up disruptions in the Bible, and the only thing I see is when the demon-filled girl was following Paul, and he demanded the spirit to leave. I see a lot about peace; I see specific sins called out by Paul. But I don’t see an example of someone being offended that someone else was at church and they were asked to leave. Here’s what I do see.

In Corinthians, “Let all things be done decently and in order.” (I hardly see being stopped literally at the door and told you aren’t welcome being decent or in order.)

Humble Service in the Body of Christ

³ For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. ⁴ For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶ We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your^[a] faith; ⁷ if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; ⁸ if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,^[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

⁹ Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^[c] Do not be conceited.

¹⁷ Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”^[d] says the Lord. 

I want to make sure I am not seeking revenge but clarity. I seek to ensure that someone younger in the faith isn’t turned away in a spiritually abusive manner. I also think this particular leader is so intertwined that he is controlling the narrative in a very unhealthy manner. I think that needs to be exposed for the safety of the church community.

I am praying for the following:

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I love word studies. Because there have been varying shades of truth in this situation, I wanted to see if the Bible defines Truth.

The Greek word for Truth is aletheia, which refers to “divine revelation” and is related to a word that means “what can’t be hidden.” It defines the concept that truth is always there, always open and available for all to see, with nothing hidden or obscured.

Exodus 20:16 says You shall not testify falsely [that is, lie, withhold, or manipulate the truth] against your neighbor (any person).

In John, Jesus says, “I am the [only] Way [to God] and the [real] Truth and the [real] Life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.

Church leadership in your zeal to defend an action, if you have to misrepresent the truth, even one shade. If you have to manipulate the narrative, you become the issue. Biblical repentance and humbly revealing the truth is necessary.

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Even if you have been slandered, mistreated, and shamed by someone in authority at a church, while it is normal to feel hurt and angry, we must let God fight this battle. I personally want to rain fire down, but I’m told in the Old Testament that I only need to be still and let God fight the battle for me.

I do think it’s interesting to note that while God requires me to forgive, he requires me to repent to receive His forgiveness. Less-than-honorable leadership in the church doesn’t require them to repent to me for me to forgive, but spiritual repentance requires a complete turning away from unbiblical behavior. If they don’t, that’s when we get to shake the dust and treat them as unbelievers.

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